Clues can help adult children see how mom and dad are doing
Transcript
Host Amber Smith: Here's some expert advice from geriatrics chief, Dr. Sharon Brangman. How do adult children know when their parents need help?
Sharon Brangman, MD: Well, it's a very individual thing, 事实上,假期是我们接到电话最多的时候. And that's because that's when families come into town, 他们可能会对正在发生的事情产生完全不同的印象,而不是和父母打电话或facetime聊天. 他们可以近距离亲眼看到家里到底发生了什么. And so many adult children, especially if they don't live in the area, call us during the holidays wanting to get things organized.
所以他们注意到的第一件事就是房子没有保养好, 也许他们的父母只是在维修和管理邮件方面遇到越来越多的麻烦, keeping the refrigerator stocked, getting rid of clutter and those sorts of things. 而这往往是出现问题的第一个迹象. 有时他们会注意到车上有很多无法解释的凹痕,或者看起来像小挡泥板弯曲的东西, 通常父母会尽量减少,并试图说儿子或女儿是在小题大做, or something like that. But those are usually the early telltale signs.
然后当他们花更多的时间和父母在一起, 他们可能会注意到这一天并没有按照一个有组织的方式进行. 可能会有很长一段时间的睡眠,或者不穿衣服,不为一天做准备, or difficulty organizing meals. I had one family, for example, who came for Thanksgiving, 通常妈妈会为大家准备丰盛的一餐. And when they got there, things were in disarray. The food was not prepared. 当你想到为感恩节做一顿大餐时, that involves many, 为了让食物在正确的时间上桌,做好准备,我们做了很多小决定. 有些人,随着年龄的增长,开始难以记住所有这些小细节.
So there can be any number of little hints, 成年的孩子和父母在一起的时候开始意识到这一点.
如果有迹象表明房子没有被维护好,那可能就是太多太多的房子了. You know, 孩子们都走了以后,就不需要三到四间卧室,不需要修剪草坪,不需要铲车道,也不需要粉刷或修理房子了. 你知道,房子总是需要维修,这可能会让人不知所措.
So it's time to have a frank conversation. And it's usually not settled in one discussion. And it has to be approached with respect and consideration. Now, 如果父母没有痴呆或任何认知障碍, 他们真的有能力也有权利过自己想过的生活. 所以我们不能强加我们认为合适的东西,即使它可能更安全,更有意义. You can't make someone do anything. And you know it, it just doesn't work that way.
因此,这对成年子女来说是一个挑战,尤其是那些住得离父母很远的孩子. So, you know, we have a very mobile society, 我们中的许多人住得离父母或我们长大的地方不近. 或者我们的父母仍然住在我们的家乡,而我们成年的孩子已经搬到了其他地方. 因此,跨越数英里的能力是非常具有挑战性的. Now, 对于那些认识到问题并希望寻求帮助的人来说,有很多资源, 但对于一些父母来说,要达到这种程度的洞察力需要一段时间.
这可能是因为父母有太多的事情要跟踪, and it may be time to simplify their routine or downsize, or get help taking care of some of the details in life. It doesn't always correlate with an illness, 但有时这可能是记忆问题的第一个迹象, 或者是一个身体虚弱的人. 这个人可能没有以前那么有活力了, maybe to mow the lawn or to clear the driveway of snow. 他们可能没有痴呆症或任何特殊的医学问题, 但从身体上来说,他们很难保持以前的习惯.
挑战在于,父母通常不会看到同样的问题,也不会有同样的担忧. So this is often a challenging discussion. 很少有老年人有同样的警觉程度, for example, that an adult child might have. 他们也不愿意和孩子互换角色,告诉他们应该做什么.
You know, 我们一生都在寻求自主和独立,以我们想要的方式做事, 在某种程度上,当我们变老时,我们都不可避免地需要一些帮助. 很少有人能意识到他们什么时候需要帮助. 所以这对成年子女和父母来说都是一个挑战. 如果处理不当,它可能会成为摩擦的来源.
Host Amber Smith: You've been listening to Dr. Sharon Brangman, from Upstate Medical University.